I failed

I threw in the towel at 17 days. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do. I did not handle the ending well and Mistress Noir is pretty pissed at me. Our friendship, which I valued, will not overcome this. I feel pretty guilty about it at this point, and she is venting quite a bit about it on fetlife.
Regardless, I feel like I learned a lot from it all. First chastity will not repair a broken relationship. It requires more communication, not less. More attention and interaction, not less. Mistress and I probably did not know each other well enough before taking on an experiment of this magnitude. We were not in a long term mistress/sub relationship, a dating one or much else. I think that was a contributing factor. Another was that we didn't live particularly close, we have enormously busy lives full of family, career and personal obligations.

None of this is to make excuses. I quit. The fault is mine. None of that is to excuse the fact that I made a unilateral decision to end it. That was wrong, and it has annoyed her more than I ever expected or wanted. My intentions were good, but I did not live up to my end of the bargain. I have served many mistresses in my years. Most of them were professionals and topping from the bottom is my biggest fault. I have been trying to cure myself of this problem, but clearly it is not going to happen quickly or over night.

There have been things I'm proud of. I experimented with chastity a bit, and the most I was ever able to pull off was about four days. I managed 17 under her control. 17 isn't 21, but I didn't freak out completely when it started to get difficult, and it didn't take long to get really difficult. There is nothing like a bad day at work with real life annoyances compounded by the rubbing of a cage around your dick. She also gave me two pretty brutal beatings and one less intense one. I could not stop them and she beat me as much as she thought I could handle.These were a shock to the system. I did not enjoy them at all while they were happening, yet they create incredible feelings of closeness that I'm not sure dominant women fully understand. The results of the last one are in the picture above. I'm proud to have survived two major beatings.

I'm not sure where I go from here with chastity in my life. I can also tell you that chastity is a kink mostly doomed to fail. I am coming out a vanilla, failed marriage and a lot of the reasons for failure was that I became more interested in fetish porn and masturbation than making love to her. I truly want that to end. If and when I have a new life partner, I do know that she must be strong enough to lock me in periodically. She'd never let me go on a business trip unlocked, she'd never leave me alone at home for a length of time unlocked and she'd merciless paddle me for ever cumming without her permission. I hope she's out there and shares other life interests of mine, of which there are plenty. Having said that I don't think I want or need 24/7 chastity. I want to stop masturbating to digital images instead of sharing my seed with a real life flesh and blood woman. I don't think 24/7 is necessarily needed to accomplish that, but it will be needed at some points.

This will be my last post here. Thank you for reading.